Honoring and Breaking the Art of Shunning

A Good Shunning

My family has naturally, practically, and stubbornly practiced the art of shunning.  In a cultural diversity class, I explored my own Scandanavian culture, and likely this is where shunning started, with my ancestors. I read that because winters are long and dark, when in conflict with another member of your household, it was likely more beneficial to resolve arguments passively, or practice silence.

I was really good at shunning, until I revealed the art of shunning verbally to my children.  My grandmother did not speak to her mother over a year, and upon the death of my Granny, my Grandmother asked why she was not told, although she was, but could not, unfortunately, overcome the shunning.

As a child, of about 10 years old, I recall the shunning that took place between my mother and my grandmother.  It lasted a little over a year.  As I recall-  my grandfather was sick, elderly, in and out of the hospital.  My grandmother, felt that her children were not caring for him, this particularly did not apply to my mother, who had cared for him and given greatly, but my mother was nonetheless, almost spanked out the door at the family meeting. At this family meeting I was also shamed, for having my grandfather help me on a school project.  I did not know that my grandfather’s help for my project, meant my mother would owe, and for that I am sorry.

My mother and I were superb at shunning, as she has learned from her mother, and her mother before her.  I think, I might be just as good, if not better than my mother, when it comes to shunning.  We may never really know, because my father would not allow the in-home shunning to go on longer than about a week.  He would call us together, when he could take the shunning no longer, and make me apologize, this would bring peace back to the home.

I have practiced the art of shunning on my husband, and it is quite effective, but in a healthy way, it seems that we are ‘taking space.’  Shunning has been mildly effective on my daughter, who does not respond to most consequences, however, it serves to cue her that I am incredibly upset, she either reflects or enters into her own version of shunning. I have shunned my son, who is also a master shunner; because to master a good shunning is to use it rarely, which we both understand.  We cannot shun each other, it is too painful. 

I have done the thing that makes the shunning most ineffective- I have verbalized that shunning is a skill I possess and use when necessary.  My children now know about a ‘good shun’ and now it does not last long.  Maybe a day….  If I was not a super fan of good and assertive communication, I guess I would be more upset.

Apologies to the proper practice of shunning in my family lineage- you served a purpose, I am sure, for many years.  Now, I choose the opportunity for dialogue, humility, responsibility, and forgiveness.  It has thus far served me well.