Can I Get You Anything?

Some years in and two kids later, around 2012, our marriage was at best neutral.  I am grateful to have had the opportunity to stay home with our children, despite this not really being financially feasible. I was exhausted at the end of each day- waking with them, entertaining them, feeding them, exercising them, more feeding, wrestling with the possibility of a nap, all the peeing and pooping, more feeding, more entertainment.**  I knew all the while, I am doing the most crucial job a mother can do- developing their minds, with art, reading, writing, humor, creativity, music, song, dance, sports- modeling honor and compassion, even when I want to scream and tear my hair out, demonstrating at every moment through a calm face, even a smile and ere of confidence- safety, responsibility, and sacrifice.  Never wanting them to know the difficulty, the emotional toll, the fear, the pain, the loneliness that life may bring. 

 And so was he, exhausted, with the work, the prospect of providing for us, and particularly for the commute he made, which he reminded me of constantly.  I could not be a part of his day, as he could not be a part of mine.  How I wish there were times when we could change places, and yet, I would not trade my experience raising our children for anything. 

Like most, we experienced that make or break moment- who does what and who does more.  He spent long hours at work, and I hoped for him to spend time with the kids at bathtime- both a chore and an opportunity for connection.  I felt over the years that his time at work seem to extend.  He would leave earlier, and come home later.  One evening, through gritted teeth, I made the choice to ask him “Can I get you anything?”  I committed myself to do this many nights in a row. 

In two weeks time, his underwear were still on the floor next to the laundry basket, and he still did not really want to bathe the kids, but he started to say to me when he came home- “Can I get you anything?”  And, truly, I could not really ask for anything; I had just wanted him to ask.  The most loving gesture I wanted, needed only to be modeled, and perhaps asked for.  As, I regularly will now say, “I want attention,” if I want it, and of course remain in service to what is most highest, love, and ask him "Can I get you anything?"

I chose a good man, a difficult man, but a good man.  For myself, I have chosen to do what is good, and for him I have chosen to be in service, through love, loyalty, compassion, grace.  “Can I get you anything?”  I suppose the only thing better would be if I asked, and he answered, “As you wish.” 

**I know my experience of motherhood, as characterized above, is not particularly loving, nurturing, or grateful for what it means to have been their mother, but many things can be true at once, and in relation to my marriage and what it meant for me to not to be employed after college, that description is entirely accurate. I feel this is a complex area of my life, and thus will discuss motherhood at another time.