Negotiating My Own Visibility

I Am Done Disappearing

I need to say something honestly — even if it’s uncomfortable.

In my closest relationships, I have often taken on the role of the accommodator.

I smooth things over. I look for compromise. I anticipate reactions. I manage emotions. I adjust tone. I make space.

I do it quietly. And I do it well.

But it is exhausting.

And I am done carrying that burden alone.

For a long time, I thought this was just love — being flexible, being empathetic, being the steady one in the room. And yes, it is love. But when love requires shrinking, absorbing blame, or erasing yourself so others remain comfortable… it stops being healthy.

I am no longer willing to be triangulated. I am no longer willing to manage everyone else’s feelings. I am no longer willing to make myself smaller to keep the peace.

That does not mean I am withdrawing love. It does not mean I am unavailable for support.

I will absolutely show up when needs are clearly expressed. What I will not do anymore is read minds, anticipate emotional storms, or offer comfort for things I was never told about.

That chapter is closed.

Marriage Looks Different Than My Family System

Something else needs to be said.

When decisions are made by me — or by us — and they are not liked, the blame is often placed on my husband.

Yes, he can be reactive at first. That’s true.

But our marriage works differently than the system I grew up in. Our process often looks like:

Initial reaction.

Space.

Conversation.

Collaboration.

The final decision is rarely the first reaction.

And when choices are interpreted as “his doing,” my agency disappears.

When we moved to Idaho, many were surprised to learn I was the driving force behind that decision. The narrative had already been written: he must have pushed for it.

That assumption hurt.

Because it erased me.

The Story Beneath the Story

Here’s the deeper truth.

I learned early in my family of origin that whoever had the biggest emotions in the room set the tone. And I learned how to respond to that beautifully.

I became perceptive.

Empathetic.

Self-sacrificing.

Capable of immense emotional regulation.

But I also learned to put my needs last.

To soften.

To soothe.

To smooth.

To disappear.

I am grateful for my capacity to care. I am no longer willing to erase myself in order to care.

I Am Not Controlled

This is the part that hurts the most.

There seems to be a belief that I am weak enough to be controlled — by my husband, or by my parents. That I am easily influenced. That I must be led.

That belief erases me.

I am not controlled by my husband. I am not controlled by my parents.

I am an adult woman who makes thoughtful, sometimes difficult decisions. Yes, I compromise. Yes, I collaborate. But they are still my decisions.

Please stop assigning my agency to someone else.

What Changes Now

I love you.

And because I love you, I am choosing honesty over harmony.

I will not:

• Absorb blame to keep things calm

• Manage emotions that are not mine

• Soften my husband to make you comfortable

• Disappear so everyone else can feel secure

I will:

• Speak clearly

• Own my decisions

• Allow discomfort when it is necessary

• Stay visible

I am done negotiating my own visibility.

And that is not rebellion.

It is maturity.

It is boundary.

It is self-respect.

It is growth.

🌱 Good Beet Reflection

The Good Beet is the part of you that grows underground first — unseen, strengthening before breaking through the soil.

Take a moment and sit with these:

1. Where in your life have you been the emotional accommodator?

Who benefits from that role? What has it cost you?

2. What did you learn about conflict growing up?

Was harmony valued over honesty? Was the loudest voice the one that mattered?

3. Where have you been shrinking to maintain connection?

What would it look like to stay connected and visible?

4. What is one boundary you are ready to hold — even if it makes someone uncomfortable?

Write it down. Speak it aloud. Claim it.

The Good Beet does not grow by stretching toward everyone else.

It grows by rooting deeper into itself.

You are allowed to be loving.

You are allowed to be strong.

You are allowed to be seen.

And sometimes, being seen is the bravest thing you will do.

🌿